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Question:
After marriage fantasys
Dear mark, I just recently got married to my on and off again boyfriend of 7 years. Since then I have been having thoughts of other men, like past relationships and guys on tv. Also since we got back together and got married our sex life hasn't been the same. Does this mean we shouldn't have got married, or what? Please help.....
Post marriage fantasies, Fairfield

Response:

Having fantasies of other men that you have fond memories of or are attracted to on T.V. does not mean you have made a mistake with your current husband.  Fantasies are healthy and normal and most people have them.  Some couples openly talk about their fantasies and find that the sharing can actually enhance their sex lives.  It takes a healthy and mature couple though to be able to share fantasies.  Based upon what you have proposed, it doesn't sound like this would be an option with your marriage.  You state this relationship has been off and on for many years.  What you don't state is how the two of you have resloved your off again issues.  Perhaps you never really have and as a result, find the relationship less than you had imagined it would be.  The truth of the matter is that satisfying relatiohships require a good deal of work and if the two of you have not done that, you may both be feeling uncomfortable with each other right not.  I would think that is one of the reasons sex has fallen off.  My best advice to you is put your focus on doing the things that make a relationship healthy and start talking about your concerns with your husband and create emotional intimacy.  Emotional intimacy typically leads to physical intimacy.  There are so many wonderful books to help the two of you facilitate these discussions.  Go to the book store together..........pick one out and get to work.
Dr. Mark
November 06 2005

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