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Question:
Monster In-Law, what to do?
Dr. Mark, I have a real Monster in-law, this one has two faces! I don't know what to do about her, she constantly tries to manipulate and use guilt to keep my husband from leaving her. We own a home in a different city but he works close to his parents home and stays there sometimes so as not to commute. We have been going through a hard time becuase of his infidelity. We have 3 kids and I told him that he needs to spend more time with us. She however, cries to him that she doesn't see him enough. Talk about being selfish, she's not letting my kids have a dad, and she can't let go of him. I want to bring this to her attention but how??
Mother-in-law madness, Elk Grove

Response:

Kim,

Bringing these issues to your mother-in-law is only going to backfire on you.  The reason being is that your husband and his mother are involved in an unhealthy relationship built upon that lack of emotional maturation on both their parts.  Your mother-in-law has not matured to the point of supporting her childs separateness and autonomy.  Instead, she presents as insecure and emotionally needy and looks toward her son to relieve her of her own lonliness and not her own husband.  From this perspective, you will always be viewed as a threat so talking with her is really not the answer.  The real problem for you rests completely with your husband.  He too has not matured past his family of origin and because of his mothers over bearing nature, he no doubt has problems with developing real intimacy with a woman.  I suspect his infidelity is a part of this dynamic.  A mature man separarates from his mother without issue.  In truth you husband is the one who should be setting the limits with him own mother.  He should be saying things like........."Mother, I don't appreciate your complaining.  My wife and I need time together and your upsets are really just a distraction."  If your husband does not recognize on his own the need to come home at night, spend time with his children and to work on a marriage that he has divided as a result of his infidelity, then you will forever be fighting an uphill battle.  Fight your battle with him, create absolute boundries and keep you eyes wide open.

 

Dr. Mark
November 06 2005

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