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Question:
About my relationship with my boyfriend
Hello Dr. Mark, I was reading your article about depression. My boyfriend of a year and a half has been depressed the whole time we've been together. I want to help in any way I can to get him to the road of recovery. Please tell us how do we get there?
Depressed Boyfriend, Suisun City, Ca.

Response:

There is nothing easy about being in a relationship with someone who is chronically depressed.  So often others do not understand that the depressed person cannot just, "snap out of it."  As his partner, I imagine you have many mixed feelings.  On the one hand you are wanting to be supportive and helpful but on the other, you find your own needs are not met because he is so deeply depressed.  You may start to feel some resentment and anger toward him.  You may start to feel guilty by these feelings.  Rest assured, these are all natural feelings.  If you want to be helpful you need to understand first and foremost though that there is very little for you to do.  I think it is certainly fine for you to do some research as you have and to provide him with some information about depression and so forth.  However, other than that, the rest is up to him.  I would suggest you ask your boyfriend to make an appointment with his medical doctor to talk about his depression, be evaluated for medication and to get some good referrals to local therapists in the city he resides.  Hopefully, he will take this information and seek out treatment.  As for you, try and avoid becoming his healer and his enabler.  If he takes the information and works at overcoming his depression then good for him and for you.  However, if he does not self empower himself, it may be time for you to recognize that all the love and support in world from you, will never move him to action.  At that point in time, you will have to make a decision about your own future and whether or not this relationship will ever meet your relationship needs.

Dr. Mark
January 09 2006

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