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Question:
Lie or move on?
Hello Dr. Mark I have been married for 5 years and have 2 children. During our marriage my husband and I have had issues and have separated on and off through our marriage. While separated my husband saw other women. We decided to get back together but soon afterward, I becameinterested in someone else and my husband found out about it. I realized that I love my husband and I did not want to be with anyone else. My husband doesn't believe I never had sex with this other man and has moved out again because he thinks I am lying. Do I tell him I did have sex when I didn't just so he can start to trust me again?
Lie or move on?, Yuba City

Response:

My oh My!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  First of all, do not make up a story about having had sex if in fact that never occured.  Your husband's feelings are deeply hurt by the realization that you became interested in someone else.  In addition, that fact that you pursued someone else after having agreed to reconcile with him is certainly a gross violation of trust.  Gross violations of trust are difficult enough to overcome but you never will overcome a violation of trust with another lie.  Now, when you and he were separted, I wonder why he started to date others?  Was that an agreement between you two or did he violate your trust?  Additionally, I can't help but think that you have been angry with him for his dating others and that may be one of the reasons you sought out others as well.  Bottom line........there is so much unresolved issues between you that your marriage is ultimately doomed without finding ways to heal these deep wounds.  Few couples can heal this sort of damage without a lot of intervention.  If you and he are truly intent on making this work and are ready to lay down your weapons, find a good couples therapist and take the first available appointment.

Dr. Mark
January 09 2006

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