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Great Sex For a Lifetime

Great sex for a lifetime

Like most everything in a long-term committed relationship, having great sex with your partner requires each of you developing a certain flow with each other.  Whether we are talking about developing better communication, working out finances, being effective parents or learning how to appreciate each other more, many of the skills required are the same.  One of the unique differences with sex however, is the vast complexity of emotions, desire, responsiveness, and, above all, the meaning we attach to sex.  For example, for some, sex may be a way to release the stress of a difficult day.  For others, sex may be a way to connect emotionally with a partner or to experience love and the feeling of being attractive.  Still for others, sex may bring up intense feelings of insecurity, shame and performance anxiety.  The meaning we apply to sex goes a long way to determining our experience of sex.  In order to experience a great sex life with your partner over time, then it is extremely important to recognize that each of you has an obligation to create the conditions for a great sex life to occur.  The important point here is that in order to have a lifetime of great sex with your partner, each one of you needs to fully and completely recognize that you, as an individual, must take on the responsibility to be active in creating an environment for great sex.  I can’t tell you how many times I will listen to a client complain that their partner is not interested in sex or just seems to go through the motions.  They will tell me this with a certain amount of frustration, anger, hurt and self-righteousness.  All too often, as I inquire more fully, I will discover that the complaining partner has stopped courting, stopped being romantic, stopped connecting emotionally throughout the day, criticizes and complains to their partner and so forth.  And yet, they somehow believe they have created the conditions for great sex to occur.  So believe me when I tell you, if you want to have a lifetime of great sex, start by taking a good look at your self.

With all that said, here are some very important points to consider in creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life with your long-term partner.

  • Ask yourself what meaning you apply to sex.  If, for example you see sex as a duty or obligation, it would be very difficult to let yourself enjoy sex.  Or, if you see sex as a conquest, you will have a difficult time experiencing the connections that can occur through sex.  Couples who have the best sex lives apply multiple meaning to the act of sex.  They mutually see their sex lives as having different meaning at different times.  They see sex as playful, as emotional, as a time for exploration, as a stress reliever, as a way to heal a fight, as a time for passion and sometimes just a time to be objectified.  Look at the meaning you apply to sex and see if you can expand the meaning you attach.  For example, if a woman feels objectified by sex, she may have a difficult time having a quickie with her husband who, may periodically want to objectify his partner.  However, if objectifying each other periodically is experienced by each of you as a way to re-capture the excitement that can come with the rawness of sex, then by changing the meaning you apply, you have opened up an expanded sex life.
  • Make time for sex.  When we are dating, or early in a relationship, there is always time for sex.  However, start to add children, a mortgage, expanded career responsibilities, a re-model, loss of sleep, etc., and your sex life will begin to wane.  Like all behavior, we can develop patterns that become entrenched.  A satisfying sex life is an extremely important component of a satisfying relationship.  Happy couples who describe their sex lives as satisfying will tell you that they rate sex as about 10% in importance in their lives.  Couples with unsatisfying sex lives will tell you it rates at about 90%.  The point is obvious.  Make time for sex, plan for sex and be prepared to make it pleasurable.
  • Great sex requires an absence of negativity and resentment and a high degree of regard, trust, safety and connection.  If you have not learned how to resolve your differences effectively, and there is a high degree of unresolved resentment and hurt, it will be next to impossible to create an environment where great sex can occur.  Try and develop empathy and understanding of your partner and let go of wanting to be right, while making them wrong.  Remember, you cannot build a relationship on great sex.  Build a great relationship upon a foundation of love, caring, understanding, mutual regard, trust and respect and then let sex be a reflection that foundation.
  • Be adventurous.  Early in a relationship, the first kiss, the first touch, the first caress is so amazing.  That’s mostly because our brains react to novelty. Desire, combined with novelty can release powerful chemicals that, in turn, can enhance these new experiences.  As we all know, this excitement level fades.  However, if we allow ourselves to be adventurous in our relationship, or simply do things out of the ordinary, we can kick start those chemical reactions again and create a whole new level of passion.
  • Be faithful.  Need I say more?
  • Foreplay begins in the kitchen; and that doesn’t mean grabbing your partner’s breasts while she is making the salad.  In other words, understand that foreplay is about how you treat your partner throughout the day. 
  • Love you body as best you can and take responsibility for yourself if you don’t.  It’s pretty difficult to feel sexual and available if you feel embarrassed or ashamed about your body.  If you are in reasonable shape then you need to learn to have perspective about your body and learn how your partner feels about it.  You may think you breasts are too small but maybe he loves them.  If you are out of shape then take responsibility to get and stay in shape.  Remember, if you want to have great sex, then you a responsibility to be a great sex partner.  If that means getting in shape, then get in shape.

If you can bring a majority of these concepts to your relationship, you will no doubt begin to experience a substantive change in the way you experience yourself and your partner.  Remember, to have great sex over a lifetime, you have to be a great lover.  If each of you takes responsibility to be your best, your relationship will flourish.

And lastly, there is even more good news.  The above recommendations are not an exhaustive list.  Once you have mastered these concepts and life-styles, you can take your sex lives to a whole another level.  Look for future articles on Great Sex in Long-Term Relationships.

November 15 2004

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